A joke for our friends in Chicago!

chicago bears joke

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing missing was a good quarterback  He scouted and scouted but couldn’t find a quarterback who could give the Bears a shot at a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching the news he saw a war-zone scene in the West Bank.  In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm.  He threw a hand grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away. KABOOM!

He threw another hand grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney. KA-BLOOEY! Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph. BULLS-EYE!

“I’ve got to get this guy!” the coach said to himself.  “He has the perfect arm!” 

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football.  And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young man is hailed as a great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

“Mom,” he says into the phone, “I just won the Super Bowl!”

“I don’t want to talk to you”, the old woman says.  “You are not my son!”

“I don’t think you understand, Mom,” the young man pleads. “I’ve won the greatest sporting event in the world.  I’m here among thousands of my adoring fans.”

“No!  Let me tell you!”  his mother retorts.  “At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us.  The neighborhood is a pile of rubble.  Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn’t get raped!”

The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,……….”I’ll never forgive you for making us move to Chicago!”

The young man is hailed as a great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

“Mom,” he says into the phone, “I just won the Super Bowl!”

“I don’t want to talk to you”, the old woman says.  “You are not my son!”

“I don’t think you understand, Mom,” the young man pleads. “I’ve won the greatest sporting event in the world.  I’m here among thousands of my adoring fans.”

“No!  Let me tell you!”  his mother retorts.  “At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us.  The neighborhood is a pile of rubble.  Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn’t get raped!”

The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,……….”I’ll never forgive you for making us move to Chicago!”

The MAGIC Green Hat…

US border patrol hat

Visiting in South Western USA, I needed to go to the emergency room. Not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my MAGIC GREEN HAT.

When I went into the E.R., I noticed that 3/4 of the people got up and left. I guess they decided that they weren’t that sick after all. It cut at least 3 hours off my waiting time.

Here’s the hat:

It also works at Dept. of Motor Vehicles. It saved me 5 hours.

At the Laundromat, three minutes after entering, I had my choice of any machine, most still running.

It might also cut your wait time at the grocery store.

But…don’t try it at McDonald’s…
The whole crew ran out the back door and I never did get my order!

Know what real STRESS is???

hitchhiker stress

You pick up a hitchhiker…A beautiful girl. Suddenly, she faints inside your truck and you take her to the hospital. Now that’s stressful.

But at the hospital, they say she is pregnant and congratulates you that you’re going to be the father. You say that you are not the father, but the girl says you are. This is getting very stressful!

You request a DNA test to prove that you are not the father.

After the tests are completed, the doctor says the test shows you’re infertile, and probably have been since birth. You’re extremely stressed but relieved.

On your way back home, you think about your FIVE kids at home.

NOW THAT’S STRESS!!!

Dinner Party “priceless”

All throughout dinner Lynne’s good friend’s four year old daughter stared at me as I sat opposite her. The girl could hardly eat her food for staring. I checked my shirt for spots, felt my face for food and patted my hair in place, but nothing stopped her from staring at me.

Finally I asked her, Why are you staring at me?

Everyone at the table had noticed her behavior and the table went quiet, waiting for her response. Finally, the little girl said, “I’m just waiting to see how you drink like a fish.”

Unbelievable sign near Dearborn, MI

Are there “no-go” zones in the USA? Is this one of them? Dearborn, Michigan is the first city to become almost completely Muslim. Yours may be next because they are here and more come every day. Amazing that any city would allow something like this to be displayed.

STILL THINK THEY’RE KIDDING ? And people are concerned about the Confederate Flag?

On Becoming Illegal. You’ll love this!

(Actual letter from an Oregon resident sent to his Senator)

The Honorable Wyden
731 Hart Senate Office Building
Phone (202) 224 3254
Washington DC, 20510

Dear Senator Wyden,

As a native Oregonian and excellent customer of the Internal Revenue Service, I am writing to ask for your assistance. I have contacted the Department of Homeland Security in an effort to determine the process for becoming an illegal alien and they referred me to you.

My primary reason for wishing to change my status from U.S. Citizen to illegal alien stems from the bill which was recently passed by the Senate and for which you voted. If my understanding of this bill is accurate, as an illegal alien who has been in the United States for five years, all I need to do to become a citizen is to pay a $2,000 fine and income taxes for only three of the last five years. I know a good deal when I see one and I am anxious to get the process started before everyone figures it out.

Simply put, those of us who have been here legally have had to pay taxes every year so I’m excited about the prospect of avoiding two years of taxes in return for paying a $2,000 fine. Is there any way that I can apply to be illegal retroactively? This would yield an excellent result for me and my family because we paid heavy taxes in 2004 and 2005.

Additionally, as an illegal alien I could begin using the local emergency room as my primary health care provider. Once I have stopped paying premiums for medical insurance, my accountant figures I could save almost $10,000 a year.

Another benefit in gaining illegal status would be that my daughter would receive preferential treatment relative to her law school applications, as well as “in-state” tuition rates for many colleges throughout the United States for my son.

Lastly, I understand that illegal status would relieve me of the burden of renewing my driver’s license and making those burdensome car insurance premiums. This is very important to me, given that I still have college age children driving my car.

If you would provide me with an outline of the process to become illegal (retroactively if possible) and copies of the necessary forms, I would be most appreciative. Thank you for your assistance

Your Loyal Constituent, (hoping to reach “illegal alien” status rather than just a bonafide citizen of the USA )
Dale B. Rilyeu
Lebanon, Or
Get your Forms (NOW)!!
Call your Internal Revenue Service at 1-800-289-1040

(Please pass this on to your friends so they can save on this great offer.)

Lemon Picker

Looking for a good job in Florida???  

Lemon Picker, Sally Mullihan of Coral Springs, Florida decided to take one of the jobs that most Americans are not willing to do. Sally applied for a job in a Florida lemon grove and seemed to be far too qualified for the job. She had a liberal arts degree from the University of Michigan and had worked as a social worker and a school teacher

The foreman frowned and said, “I have to ask you, have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?”  

“Well, as a matter of fact, I have,” she said, “I’ve been divorced three times, owned two Chryslers, I voted twice for Obama, and once for Hillary.”

She started work this morning!  

Three Presidents

hoover truman eisenhower three presidents

What did Presidents Hoover , Truman, and Eisenhower have in common?

This is something that should be of great interest for you to pass around. I didn’t know of this until it was pointed out to me.

Back during the great depression, Herbert Hoover ordered the deportation of ALL illegal aliens in order to make jobs available to American citizens that desperately needed work.

Harry Truman deported over two million illegal aliens after WWII to create jobs for returning veterans.

In 1954 Dwight Eisenhower deported 13 million Mexicans. The program was called Operation Wetback. It was done so WWII and Korean War veterans would have a better chance at jobs. It took two years, but they deported them!

Now, if they could deport the illegal aliens back then, they could surely do it today. If you have doubts about the veracity of this information, enter Operation Wetback into your favorite search engine and confirm it for yourself.

Why, you might ask, can’t they do this today? Actually the answer is quite simple. Hoover , Truman, and Eisenhower were men of honor, not untrustworthy politicians looking for votes!

Reminder: Don’t forget to pay your taxes – 12 to 20 million illegal aliens – are depending on it.

You won’t believe this!!!

illegal immigration

The official number of illegal aliens in the state of California is nearly 3 million. We can estimate the number to be more than double this amount in reality.

Over half of all drivers license issued in California were given to individuals who are here illegally and the state automatically registers those with a driver’s license to vote.

In 2015, California Governor Jerry Brown (D-CA) signed a bill giving full voting rights to illegal aliens. This gives them the right to vote in all elections from a local level to national elections, including that of choosing who will become President.

The biggest problem with this is it is against Federal law for non-citizens to vote in any national election. This in itself negates the votes made by illegal aliens in California and any other state which allows them to vote.

Nice going, California Legislature!

california legislature fail stupid laws

The California Legislative Year Closed on Friday. All the Representatives went home exhausted and the damage was done. So what did they accomplish during this high pressure year in Sacramento?

This is an update today on the progressive Democrats’ continued destruction of California. The ones who would not endorse Dianne Feinstein, because she is not sufficiently Socialist extreme.

By the way, we are already deemed the worst state for businesses. Here are some of the highlights of this session:

* Passed Cap-n-Trade Tax which will increase gas $0.63 to $0.93 cents a gallon change and the taxes that go with it. So do the math projection….. (0.12 + 0.63 = 075/gallon + current $3.10/gallon = $3.85/gallon)

* Proposed increase on a new tax every residence will pay for tap water!

* A $3.46B parks bond to pay for parks in “disadvantaged communities”. The debt service alone will be over $200 million a year. The good news is some money goes to help fix the Salton Sea which should have always been a State responsibility!

* Law to release any lifer (murder, rape , child molestation, etc.) who is 60 years old and has already spent 25 years in prison! Charles Manson would have qualified if he just waited a few months before dying; and the Melendez brothers that murdered their parents could be released in about 12 years? Victims?… What victims?

* A new $ 50 charge on all residents living in a mobile home parks to address “living condition enforcement” in those parks? What the hell does that mean? As if having to live in a mobile home park isn’t bad enough? Regressive tax on the poor?

* We picked an official dinosaur for the State of California. Really???

* Requires Tesla to either unionize with the United Auto Workers Union, or forfeit State incentives to buy their electric cars! Maybe political blackmail doesn’t count as breaking any law. Unions are loving it. “Watch out solar companies… They may be coming after you next!!!”

* Reduce from a felony to a misdemeanor the purposeful intent to transmit the AIDS virus to a unknowing partner

* Give preferential treatment to prisoners convicted of serious crimes that are less than 25 years old because their brains are not mature enough to understand right from wrong. Whaaat?

* A bill to require our true sex be omitted from drivers licenses? Whaaat?

* Free legal services for illegal immigrants… Of course!

* Establish safe “injection zones” run by government to oversee people injecting heroin!

Yep, it all passed! You may consider forwarding this so that ALL Californians can be proud of their elected officials.

So, it’s just one more lie!!!

Remember when Obama kept moving the red line on Syria after they had gassed their people for the fourth time? Then they sent in Obama’s A team, Susan Rice and our them Secretary of State. When they returned they told us that ALL poison gas had been removed. I can still remember how Obama took many victory laps, and the media glorified his diplomacy. What they never told us was that there was no verification to support their claim of the gas being removed. Well, we now know it was all a lie!!!

Well it seems that Trump is short on diplomacy and long on action. It sent a message too all, China, North Korea and Russia, that the weak leadership of the past is over.

Now it’s fun to watch the liberal media declare that Russia and Trump planned it all. But when have facts ever got in the way of inventing a good story?

Baltimore is finally FREE AT LAST!

baltimore free at last mayor removes confederate statues

Baltimore Is Now ‘FREE AT LAST’ as Mayor Removes Confederate Statues! Praise needs to be given to the Mayor of Baltimore.

For years the Black community has been under assault by 4 Confederate Monuments. These monuments were relentless in their destruction of the Black family as over 70% of Black children were born out of wedlock.

So terrified by the presence of these monuments, over 60% of Black men in the city could not work a job and found comfort in fathering numerous children with numerous women that they could not feed.

Just knowing that the monuments were there made Black school children have the lowest test scores in the Nation and many turned to drugs to relieve the sting of the monuments presence.

Worst of all, the mere presence of the monuments caused death. Not being able to handle the hate and violence that the monuments represented, the Black males in the city took to killing each other by the thousands.

Just in the last 2 years they have murdered 500 of their own.

Praise be to God and the Wisdom of the Mayor. It is a new dawn for Black Baltimoreans! The shackles have been removed and all that can be said is, Free at last, free at last, Lord God Almighty, we’re free at last”

Victoria’s Secret???

A husband walks into ‘Victoria’s Secret’ to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife.

He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price – the more sheer, the higher the price.

Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.

Upstairs the wife thinks (she’s no dummy), “I have an idea. It’s so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won’t put it on but I’ll do the modelling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.”

She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, “Good grief, you’d think for $500, they’d at least iron it!”

He never heard the shot.

Funeral on Thursday at Noon.

Donations in lieu of Flowers to the National Association for Retarded Husbands (NARH)

Trump tax returns

During a recent Trump rally, a heckler from the audience hollered, “Hey Trump, where are you hiding your tax returns?

The Donald politely responded, “I’ve found a very secure place that I’m certain they won’t be found.”

The insistent heckler, then shouted, “And just where is that, dummy”?

The Donald smiled and said, “They are underneath Obama’s college records, his passport application, his immigration status as a student, his funding sources to pay for college, his college records, and his Selective Service registration.

“What’s your next question?”

Three questions for liberals only!

If firms can get by with paying women 72 cents on the dollar for the same quality of work as men, then why don’t we see any firms with all female labor forces using those lower costs to dominate the marketplace?

Affirmative Action set quotas for minorities in hiring and college admissions. Obama’s My Brother’s Keeper program gives funds and opportunities to people of color. There are literally hundreds of liberal programs available to minorities only. Do not disadvantaged white people deserve the same help?

How can you oppose putting murderers to death and be fine with killing innocent children via abortion?

It’s all in the way you tell it!

Mansion

The Last Will and Testament of Jonathan Smith

Jonathon Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter, and two sons are with him. He asks for two witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready, he begins to speak:

“My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses. My daughter Sybil, you take the apartments over the east end. My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over the City Center. Sarah, my dear wife, please take all of the residential buildings on the banks of the river.”

The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Jonathan slops away, the nurse says, “Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property.”

The wife replies, “Property? This jerk had various paper routes – that’s what he had.”

Mansion

A 39 second Must Read you will want to pass on

OOH MY WHAT STATISTICS

A 39 second Must Read you will want to pass on.

In their infinite wisdom, the United States’ Founders created the Electoral College to ensure the STATES were fairly represented. Why should one or two densely populated areas speak for the whole of the nation?

The following list of statistics has been making the rounds on the Internet. It should finally put an end to the argument as to why the Electoral College makes sense.

Do share this. It needs to be widely known and understood.

There are 3,141 counties in the United States.

Trump won 3,084 of them.

Clinton won 57.

There are 62 counties in New York State.

Trump won 46 of them.

Clinton won 16.

Clinton won the popular vote by approx. 1.5 million votes.

In the 5 counties that encompass NYC, (Bronx, Brooklyn, Manhattan, Richmond & Queens) Clinton received well over 2 million more votes than Trump. (Clinton only won 4 of these counties; Trump won Richmond)

Therefore these 5 counties alone, more than accounted for Clinton winning the popular vote of the entire country.

These 5 counties comprise 319 square miles.

The United States is comprised of 3,797,000 square miles.

When you have a country that encompasses almost 4 million square miles of territory, it would be ludicrous to even suggest that the vote of those who inhabit a mere 319 square miles should dictate the outcome of a national election.

Large, densely populated Democrat cities (NYC, Chicago, LA, etc.) DO NOT and SHOULD NOT speak for the rest of our country!

And…it’s been verified and documented that those aforementioned 319 square miles are where the majority of our nation’s problems foment.

Well worth the 39 seconds to read? Now please pass it on!

Astonishing Benghazi funding…YOU GOTTA SEE THIS!!!

benghazi funding

What happened at Benghazi was unfathomable, but this was in Politico…a respected source”.

FINALLY!! 

THE REAL REASON BEHIND BERGDAHL’S RELEASE! (BERGDAHL WAS RELEASED IN EXCHANGE FOR 5 TALIBAN GENERALS IN ORDER TO COVER UP THE OBAMA/HILLARY STINGER MISSILE SALES TO LIBYA.) BENGHAZI AND THE MATCHING SERIAL NUMBERS…..   
So ,   here’s the REAL story: Ambassador Stevens was sent to Benghazi to secretly retrieve US made Stinger Missiles that the State Dept. had supplied to Ansar al Sharia in Libya WITHOUT Congressional oversight or permission.

Sec .  State Hillary Clinton had brokered the Libya deal through Ambassador Stevens and a Private Arms Dealer named Marc Turi, but some of the shoulder fired Stinger

Missiles ended up in Afghanistan where they were used against our own military. 

On July 25th, 2012, a US Chinook helicopter was downed by one of them.   Not destroyed only because the idiot Taliban didn’t arm the missile. The helicopter didn’t explode, but it had to land and an ordnance team recovered the missile’s serial number which led back to a cache of Stinger Missiles kept in Qatar by the CIA. 

Obama and Hillary were in full panic mode, so Ambassador Stevens was sent to Benghazi to retrieve the rest of the Sti n ger Missiles. This was a “do-or-die” mission, which explains the Stand Down Orders given to multiple rescue teams during the siege of the US Embassy.

It was the State Dept., NOT the CIA, that supplied the Stinger Missiles to our sworn enemies because Gen. Petraeus at CIA would not approve supplying the deadly missiles due to their potential use against commercial aircraft. So then, Obama   threw Gen. Petraeus under the bus when he refused to testify in support of Obama’s phony claim of a “spontaneous uprising caused by a YouTube video that insulted Muslims.”

Obama and Hillary committed TREASON!    
THIS is what the investigation is all about, WHY she had a Private Server, (in order to delete the digital evidence), and WHY Obama, two weeks after the attack, told the UN that the attack was the result of the YouTube video, even though everyone KNEW it was not.

Furthermore, the Taliban knew that the administration had aided and abetted the enemy WITHOUT Congressional oversight or permission, so they began pressuring (blackmailing) the Obama Administration to release five Taliban generals being held at Guantanamo.

Bowe Bergdahl was just a useful pawn used to cover the release of the Taliban generals. Everyone knew Bergdahl was a traitor but Obama used Bergdahl’s exchange for the five Taliban generals to cover that Obama was being coerced by   the Taliban about the unauthorized Stinger Missile deal.

So ,  we have a traitor as POTUS that is not only corrupt, but compromised, as well and a Sec. of State that is a serial liar, who perjured herself multiple times at the Congressional Hearings on Benghazi. Perhaps this is why no military aircraft were called upon for help in Benghazi,    because the administration knew that our enemies had Stinger Missiles; and if used to down those planes, would likely be traced back to the CIA cache in Qatar and then to the State Dept.’s illegitimate arms deal in Libya.