WORST FOURSOME IN GOLF HISTORY:
1. STORMY DANIELS
2. O. J. SIMPSON
3. TED KENNEDY
4. BILL CLINTON
WHY, YOU ASK?
1. STORMY IS A HOOKER.
2. O. J. IS A SLICER.
3. TED CAN’T DRIVE OVER WATER, and
4. BILL CAN’T REMEMBER WHICH HOLE HE PLAYED LAST.
WORST FOURSOME IN GOLF HISTORY:
1. STORMY DANIELS
2. O. J. SIMPSON
3. TED KENNEDY
4. BILL CLINTON
WHY, YOU ASK?
1. STORMY IS A HOOKER.
2. O. J. IS A SLICER.
3. TED CAN’T DRIVE OVER WATER, and
4. BILL CAN’T REMEMBER WHICH HOLE HE PLAYED LAST.
The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing missing was a good quarterback He scouted and scouted but couldn’t find a quarterback who could give the Bears a shot at a Super Bowl win.
Then one night while watching the news he saw a war-zone scene in the West Bank. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away. KABOOM!
He threw another hand grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney. KA-BLOOEY! Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph. BULLS-EYE!
“I’ve got to get this guy!” the coach said to himself. “He has the perfect arm!”
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.
The young man is hailed as a great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.
“Mom,” he says into the phone, “I just won the Super Bowl!”
“I don’t want to talk to you”, the old woman says. “You are not my son!”
“I don’t think you understand, Mom,” the young man pleads. “I’ve won the greatest sporting event in the world. I’m here among thousands of my adoring fans.”
“No! Let me tell you!” his mother retorts. “At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn’t get raped!”
The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,……….”I’ll never forgive you for making us move to Chicago!”
The young man is hailed as a great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.
“Mom,” he says into the phone, “I just won the Super Bowl!”
“I don’t want to talk to you”, the old woman says. “You are not my son!”
“I don’t think you understand, Mom,” the young man pleads. “I’ve won the greatest sporting event in the world. I’m here among thousands of my adoring fans.”
“No! Let me tell you!” his mother retorts. “At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn’t get raped!”
The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,……….”I’ll never forgive you for making us move to Chicago!”
The NEW Democratic Symbol – no more donkey.
The Democratic Party today announced that it is changing its symbol from the Donkey to a Condom because it more accurately reflects the Party’s political stance.
A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, and gives you a sense of security while you’re actually being screwed !
Damn, it just doesn’t get more on point than that!
Visiting in South Western USA, I needed to go to the emergency room. Not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my MAGIC GREEN HAT.
When I went into the E.R., I noticed that 3/4 of the people got up and left. I guess they decided that they weren’t that sick after all. It cut at least 3 hours off my waiting time.
Here’s the hat:
It also works at Dept. of Motor Vehicles. It saved me 5 hours.
At the Laundromat, three minutes after entering, I had my choice of any machine, most still running.
It might also cut your wait time at the grocery store.
But…don’t try it at McDonald’s…
The whole crew ran out the back door and I never did get my order!
I took down my Rebel flag (which you can’t buy on EBAY any more) and peeled the NRA sticker off my front window. I disconnected my home alarm system and quit the candy-ass Neighborhood Watch. I bought two Pakistani flags and put one at each corner of the front yard. Then I purchased the black flag of ISIS (which you CAN Buy on EBAY) and ran it up the flag pole.
Now the local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching my house 24/7. I’ve NEVER felt safer and I’m saving $69.95 a month that ADT used to charge me.
Plus, I bought burkas for me to wear when I shop or travel. Everyone moves out of the way, and security can’t pat me down. If they say I’m a male wearing a burka, I just say I’m feeling like a woman today!
An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and pulling a male buffalo with the other.
He says to the waiter: “Want coffee.”
The waiter says, “Sure, Chief. Coming right up.” He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.
The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then just walks out.
The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter: “Want coffee.”
The waiter says, “Whoa…! We’re still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?”
The Indian smiles and proudly says, “Training for a position in United States Senate. Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day.”
Looking for a good job in Florida???
Lemon Picker, Sally Mullihan of Coral Springs, Florida decided to take one of the jobs that most Americans are not willing to do. Sally applied for a job in a Florida lemon grove and seemed to be far too qualified for the job. She had a liberal arts degree from the University of Michigan and had worked as a social worker and a school teacher
The foreman frowned and said, “I have to ask you, have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?”
“Well, as a matter of fact, I have,” she said, “I’ve been divorced three times, owned two Chryslers, I voted twice for Obama, and once for Hillary.”
She started work this morning!
An elderly man had a massive stroke and the family drove him to the emergency room.
After a while the ER doctor appears wearing a long face.
“I’m afraid Grandpa is brain-dead, but his heart is still beating.”
“Oh, Dear God,” cried his wife, “We’ve never had a liberal in the family before!”
A husband walks into ‘Victoria’s Secret’ to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife.
He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price – the more sheer, the higher the price.
Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.
Upstairs the wife thinks (she’s no dummy), “I have an idea. It’s so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won’t put it on but I’ll do the modelling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.”
She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.
The husband says, “Good grief, you’d think for $500, they’d at least iron it!”
He never heard the shot.
Funeral on Thursday at Noon.
Donations in lieu of Flowers to the National Association for Retarded Husbands (NARH)
A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called and asked to speak to his client.
“Saul, I have some good news and I have some bad news.”
The art collector replied, “I’ve had an awful day; let’s hear the good news first.”
The lawyer said, “Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million. I think she could be right.”
Saul replied enthusiastically, “Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You’ve just made my day. Now, I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?”
The lawyer replied, “The pictures are of you with your secretary.”
All throughout dinner Lynne’s good friend’s four year old daughter stared at me as I sat opposite her. The girl could hardly eat her food for staring. I checked my shirt for spots, felt my face for food and patted my hair in place, but nothing stopped her from staring at me.
Finally I asked her, Why are you staring at me?
Everyone at the table had noticed her behavior and the table went quiet, waiting for her response. Finally, the little girl said, “I’m just waiting to see how you drink like a fish.”
During a recent Trump rally, a heckler from the audience hollered, “Hey Trump, where are you hiding your tax returns?
The Donald politely responded, “I’ve found a very secure place that I’m certain they won’t be found.”
The insistent heckler, then shouted, “And just where is that, dummy”?
The Donald smiled and said, “They are underneath Obama’s college records, his passport application, his immigration status as a student, his funding sources to pay for college, his college records, and his Selective Service registration.
“What’s your next question?”
The Last Will and Testament of Jonathan Smith
Jonathon Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter, and two sons are with him. He asks for two witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready, he begins to speak:
“My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses. My daughter Sybil, you take the apartments over the east end. My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over the City Center. Sarah, my dear wife, please take all of the residential buildings on the banks of the river.”
The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Jonathan slops away, the nurse says, “Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property.”
The wife replies, “Property? This jerk had various paper routes – that’s what he had.”
“The Militant Muslim is the person who beheads the infidel,
while the moderate Muslim holds the feet of the victim.”
Marco Polo-Venetian Merchant