funny

A joke for our friends in Chicago!

Posted on by Mike
chicago bears joke

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing missing was a good quarterback  He scouted and scouted but couldn’t find a quarterback who could give the Bears a shot at a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching the news he saw a war-zone scene in the West Bank.  In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm.  He threw a hand grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away. KABOOM!

He threw another hand grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney. KA-BLOOEY! Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph. BULLS-EYE!

“I’ve got to get this guy!” the coach said to himself.  “He has the perfect arm!” 

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football.  And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young man is hailed as a great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

“Mom,” he says into the phone, “I just won the Super Bowl!”

“I don’t want to talk to you”, the old woman says.  “You are not my son!”

“I don’t think you understand, Mom,” the young man pleads. “I’ve won the greatest sporting event in the world.  I’m here among thousands of my adoring fans.”

“No!  Let me tell you!”  his mother retorts.  “At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us.  The neighborhood is a pile of rubble.  Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn’t get raped!”

The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,……….”I’ll never forgive you for making us move to Chicago!”

The young man is hailed as a great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

“Mom,” he says into the phone, “I just won the Super Bowl!”

“I don’t want to talk to you”, the old woman says.  “You are not my son!”

“I don’t think you understand, Mom,” the young man pleads. “I’ve won the greatest sporting event in the world.  I’m here among thousands of my adoring fans.”

“No!  Let me tell you!”  his mother retorts.  “At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us.  The neighborhood is a pile of rubble.  Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn’t get raped!”

The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,……….”I’ll never forgive you for making us move to Chicago!”

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NO MORE DONKEYS

Posted on by Jim
democrat condom get screwed
democrat condom get screwed

The NEW Democratic Symbol – no more donkey.

The Democratic Party today announced that it is changing its symbol from the Donkey to a Condom because it more accurately reflects the Party’s political stance. 

A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, and gives you a sense of security while you’re actually being screwed !

Damn, it just doesn’t get more on point than that!

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Free Home Security! Provided by the government!

Posted on by Mike
free home security joke

I took down my Rebel flag (which you can’t buy on EBAY any more) and peeled the NRA sticker off my front window. I disconnected my home alarm system and quit the candy-ass Neighborhood Watch. I bought two Pakistani flags and put one at each corner of the front yard. Then I purchased the black flag of ISIS (which you CAN Buy on EBAY) and ran it up the flag pole.

Now the local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching my house 24/7. I’ve NEVER felt safer and I’m saving $69.95 a month that ADT used to charge me.

Plus, I bought burkas for me to wear when I shop or travel. Everyone moves out of the way, and security can’t pat me down. If they say I’m a male wearing a burka, I just say I’m feeling like a woman today!

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Victoria’s Secret???

Posted on by Jim

A husband walks into ‘Victoria’s Secret’ to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife.

He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price – the more sheer, the higher the price.

Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.

Upstairs the wife thinks (she’s no dummy), “I have an idea. It’s so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won’t put it on but I’ll do the modelling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.”

She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, “Good grief, you’d think for $500, they’d at least iron it!”

He never heard the shot.

Funeral on Thursday at Noon.

Donations in lieu of Flowers to the National Association for Retarded Husbands (NARH)

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On Becoming Illegal. You’ll love this!

Posted on by Mike

(Actual letter from an Oregon resident sent to his Senator)

The Honorable Wyden
731 Hart Senate Office Building
Phone (202) 224 3254
Washington DC, 20510

Dear Senator Wyden,

As a native Oregonian and excellent customer of the Internal Revenue Service, I am writing to ask for your assistance. I have contacted the Department of Homeland Security in an effort to determine the process for becoming an illegal alien and they referred me to you.

My primary reason for wishing to change my status from U.S. Citizen to illegal alien stems from the bill which was recently passed by the Senate and for which you voted. If my understanding of this bill is accurate, as an illegal alien who has been in the United States for five years, all I need to do to become a citizen is to pay a $2,000 fine and income taxes for only three of the last five years. I know a good deal when I see one and I am anxious to get the process started before everyone figures it out.

Simply put, those of us who have been here legally have had to pay taxes every year so I’m excited about the prospect of avoiding two years of taxes in return for paying a $2,000 fine. Is there any way that I can apply to be illegal retroactively? This would yield an excellent result for me and my family because we paid heavy taxes in 2004 and 2005.

Additionally, as an illegal alien I could begin using the local emergency room as my primary health care provider. Once I have stopped paying premiums for medical insurance, my accountant figures I could save almost $10,000 a year.

Another benefit in gaining illegal status would be that my daughter would receive preferential treatment relative to her law school applications, as well as “in-state” tuition rates for many colleges throughout the United States for my son.

Lastly, I understand that illegal status would relieve me of the burden of renewing my driver’s license and making those burdensome car insurance premiums. This is very important to me, given that I still have college age children driving my car.

If you would provide me with an outline of the process to become illegal (retroactively if possible) and copies of the necessary forms, I would be most appreciative. Thank you for your assistance

Your Loyal Constituent, (hoping to reach “illegal alien” status rather than just a bonafide citizen of the USA )
Dale B. Rilyeu
Lebanon, Or
Get your Forms (NOW)!!
Call your Internal Revenue Service at 1-800-289-1040

(Please pass this on to your friends so they can save on this great offer.)

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