The MAGIC Green Hat…

US border patrol hat

Visiting in South Western USA, I needed to go to the emergency room. Not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my MAGIC GREEN HAT.

When I went into the E.R., I noticed that 3/4 of the people got up and left. I guess they decided that they weren’t that sick after all. It cut at least 3 hours off my waiting time.

Here’s the hat:

It also works at Dept. of Motor Vehicles. It saved me 5 hours.

At the Laundromat, three minutes after entering, I had my choice of any machine, most still running.

It might also cut your wait time at the grocery store.

But…don’t try it at McDonald’s…
The whole crew ran out the back door and I never did get my order!

Indian walks into a cafe…

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and pulling a male buffalo with the other.

He says to the waiter: “Want coffee.”

The waiter says, “Sure, Chief. Coming right up.” He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.

The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter: “Want coffee.”

The waiter says, “Whoa…! We’re still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?”

The Indian smiles and proudly says, “Training for a position in United States Senate. Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day.”

Know what real STRESS is???

hitchhiker stress

You pick up a hitchhiker…A beautiful girl. Suddenly, she faints inside your truck and you take her to the hospital. Now that’s stressful.

But at the hospital, they say she is pregnant and congratulates you that you’re going to be the father. You say that you are not the father, but the girl says you are. This is getting very stressful!

You request a DNA test to prove that you are not the father.

After the tests are completed, the doctor says the test shows you’re infertile, and probably have been since birth. You’re extremely stressed but relieved.

On your way back home, you think about your FIVE kids at home.

NOW THAT’S STRESS!!!

Bad News about Grandpa!

An elderly man had a massive stroke and the family drove him to the emergency room.

After a while the ER doctor appears wearing a long face.

“I’m afraid Grandpa is brain-dead, but his heart is still beating.”

“Oh, Dear God,” cried his wife, “We’ve never had a liberal in the family before!”

Lemon Picker

Looking for a good job in Florida???  

Lemon Picker, Sally Mullihan of Coral Springs, Florida decided to take one of the jobs that most Americans are not willing to do. Sally applied for a job in a Florida lemon grove and seemed to be far too qualified for the job. She had a liberal arts degree from the University of Michigan and had worked as a social worker and a school teacher

The foreman frowned and said, “I have to ask you, have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?”  

“Well, as a matter of fact, I have,” she said, “I’ve been divorced three times, owned two Chryslers, I voted twice for Obama, and once for Hillary.”

She started work this morning!  

Victoria’s Secret???

A husband walks into ‘Victoria’s Secret’ to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife.

He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price – the more sheer, the higher the price.

Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.

Upstairs the wife thinks (she’s no dummy), “I have an idea. It’s so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won’t put it on but I’ll do the modelling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.”

She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, “Good grief, you’d think for $500, they’d at least iron it!”

He never heard the shot.

Funeral on Thursday at Noon.

Donations in lieu of Flowers to the National Association for Retarded Husbands (NARH)

The Art Collector’s Wife

jokes art collectors wife

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called and asked to speak to his client.

“Saul, I have some good news and I have some bad news.”

The art collector replied, “I’ve had an awful day; let’s hear the good news first.”

The lawyer said, “Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million.  I think she could be right.”

Saul replied enthusiastically, “Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You’ve just made my day. Now, I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?”

The lawyer replied, “The pictures are of you with your secretary.”

Dinner Party “priceless”

All throughout dinner Lynne’s good friend’s four year old daughter stared at me as I sat opposite her. The girl could hardly eat her food for staring. I checked my shirt for spots, felt my face for food and patted my hair in place, but nothing stopped her from staring at me.

Finally I asked her, Why are you staring at me?

Everyone at the table had noticed her behavior and the table went quiet, waiting for her response. Finally, the little girl said, “I’m just waiting to see how you drink like a fish.”