The MAGIC Green Hat…

US border patrol hat

Visiting in South Western USA, I needed to go to the emergency room. Not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my MAGIC GREEN HAT.

When I went into the E.R., I noticed that 3/4 of the people got up and left. I guess they decided that they weren’t that sick after all. It cut at least 3 hours off my waiting time.

Here’s the hat:

It also works at Dept. of Motor Vehicles. It saved me 5 hours.

At the Laundromat, three minutes after entering, I had my choice of any machine, most still running.

It might also cut your wait time at the grocery store.

But…don’t try it at McDonald’s…
The whole crew ran out the back door and I never did get my order!

Indian walks into a cafe…

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and pulling a male buffalo with the other.

He says to the waiter: “Want coffee.”

The waiter says, “Sure, Chief. Coming right up.” He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.

The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter: “Want coffee.”

The waiter says, “Whoa…! We’re still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?”

The Indian smiles and proudly says, “Training for a position in United States Senate. Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day.”

A joke for our friends in Chicago!

chicago bears joke

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing missing was a good quarterback  He scouted and scouted but couldn’t find a quarterback who could give the Bears a shot at a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching the news he saw a war-zone scene in the West Bank.  In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm.  He threw a hand grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away. KABOOM!

He threw another hand grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney. KA-BLOOEY! Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph. BULLS-EYE!

“I’ve got to get this guy!” the coach said to himself.  “He has the perfect arm!” 

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football.  And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young man is hailed as a great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

“Mom,” he says into the phone, “I just won the Super Bowl!”

“I don’t want to talk to you”, the old woman says.  “You are not my son!”

“I don’t think you understand, Mom,” the young man pleads. “I’ve won the greatest sporting event in the world.  I’m here among thousands of my adoring fans.”

“No!  Let me tell you!”  his mother retorts.  “At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us.  The neighborhood is a pile of rubble.  Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn’t get raped!”

The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,……….”I’ll never forgive you for making us move to Chicago!”

The young man is hailed as a great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

“Mom,” he says into the phone, “I just won the Super Bowl!”

“I don’t want to talk to you”, the old woman says.  “You are not my son!”

“I don’t think you understand, Mom,” the young man pleads. “I’ve won the greatest sporting event in the world.  I’m here among thousands of my adoring fans.”

“No!  Let me tell you!”  his mother retorts.  “At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us.  The neighborhood is a pile of rubble.  Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn’t get raped!”

The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,……….”I’ll never forgive you for making us move to Chicago!”

Great Valentine’s Day Joke!

marines isis girl

From the mouth of a child Valentine:

A smart little Jewish girl!

“Since Valentine’s Day is for a Christian saint and we’re Jewish,” she asks, “Will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?   

Thelma’s father thinks a bit then says “No, I don’t think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?”  

“The whole Isis group,” she says.   “

Why them,” her father asks in shock?  

“Well,” she says, “I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give them a valentine, they might start to think that maybe  we’re not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and then they sent valentines to them, they’d love everyone a lot. And then they’d start going all over the place telling everyone how much they loved them and how they didn’t hate anyone anymore.”    

Her father’s heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new found pride. “Thelma, that’s the most wonderful thing I’ve ever heard. ”    

“I know,” Thelma says, “and once that gets them out in the open, the Marines could blow the shit out of them.

Know what real STRESS is???

hitchhiker stress

You pick up a hitchhiker…A beautiful girl. Suddenly, she faints inside your truck and you take her to the hospital. Now that’s stressful.

But at the hospital, they say she is pregnant and congratulates you that you’re going to be the father. You say that you are not the father, but the girl says you are. This is getting very stressful!

You request a DNA test to prove that you are not the father.

After the tests are completed, the doctor says the test shows you’re infertile, and probably have been since birth. You’re extremely stressed but relieved.

On your way back home, you think about your FIVE kids at home.

NOW THAT’S STRESS!!!

It’s all in the way you tell it!

Mansion

The Last Will and Testament of Jonathan Smith

Jonathon Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter, and two sons are with him. He asks for two witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready, he begins to speak:

“My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses. My daughter Sybil, you take the apartments over the east end. My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over the City Center. Sarah, my dear wife, please take all of the residential buildings on the banks of the river.”

The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Jonathan slops away, the nurse says, “Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property.”

The wife replies, “Property? This jerk had various paper routes – that’s what he had.”

Mansion

Wounded

Obama Care

A woman from Los Angeles, who was a tree hugging, liberal Democrat and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland near Colville, WA . There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree.

As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.

In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a Democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

She sat and waited three hours before the doctor re-appeared.The angry woman demanded, “What took you so long?”

He smiled and then told her, “Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a ‘recreational area’ so close to a Waste Treatment Facility.

And I am sorry, but due to Obama-Care they turned you down.”

NO MORE DONKEYS

democrat condom get screwed
democrat condom get screwed

The NEW Democratic Symbol – no more donkey.

The Democratic Party today announced that it is changing its symbol from the Donkey to a Condom because it more accurately reflects the Party’s political stance. 

A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, and gives you a sense of security while you’re actually being screwed !

Damn, it just doesn’t get more on point than that!

Bad News about Grandpa!

An elderly man had a massive stroke and the family drove him to the emergency room.

After a while the ER doctor appears wearing a long face.

“I’m afraid Grandpa is brain-dead, but his heart is still beating.”

“Oh, Dear God,” cried his wife, “We’ve never had a liberal in the family before!”

Lemon Picker

Looking for a good job in Florida???  

Lemon Picker, Sally Mullihan of Coral Springs, Florida decided to take one of the jobs that most Americans are not willing to do. Sally applied for a job in a Florida lemon grove and seemed to be far too qualified for the job. She had a liberal arts degree from the University of Michigan and had worked as a social worker and a school teacher

The foreman frowned and said, “I have to ask you, have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?”  

“Well, as a matter of fact, I have,” she said, “I’ve been divorced three times, owned two Chryslers, I voted twice for Obama, and once for Hillary.”

She started work this morning!  

Free Home Security! Provided by the government!

free home security joke

I took down my Rebel flag (which you can’t buy on EBAY any more) and peeled the NRA sticker off my front window. I disconnected my home alarm system and quit the candy-ass Neighborhood Watch. I bought two Pakistani flags and put one at each corner of the front yard. Then I purchased the black flag of ISIS (which you CAN Buy on EBAY) and ran it up the flag pole.

Now the local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching my house 24/7. I’ve NEVER felt safer and I’m saving $69.95 a month that ADT used to charge me.

Plus, I bought burkas for me to wear when I shop or travel. Everyone moves out of the way, and security can’t pat me down. If they say I’m a male wearing a burka, I just say I’m feeling like a woman today!

Trump tax returns

During a recent Trump rally, a heckler from the audience hollered, “Hey Trump, where are you hiding your tax returns?

The Donald politely responded, “I’ve found a very secure place that I’m certain they won’t be found.”

The insistent heckler, then shouted, “And just where is that, dummy”?

The Donald smiled and said, “They are underneath Obama’s college records, his passport application, his immigration status as a student, his funding sources to pay for college, his college records, and his Selective Service registration.

“What’s your next question?”

Victoria’s Secret???

A husband walks into ‘Victoria’s Secret’ to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife.

He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price – the more sheer, the higher the price.

Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.

Upstairs the wife thinks (she’s no dummy), “I have an idea. It’s so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won’t put it on but I’ll do the modelling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.”

She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, “Good grief, you’d think for $500, they’d at least iron it!”

He never heard the shot.

Funeral on Thursday at Noon.

Donations in lieu of Flowers to the National Association for Retarded Husbands (NARH)

The Art Collector’s Wife

jokes art collectors wife

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called and asked to speak to his client.

“Saul, I have some good news and I have some bad news.”

The art collector replied, “I’ve had an awful day; let’s hear the good news first.”

The lawyer said, “Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million.  I think she could be right.”

Saul replied enthusiastically, “Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You’ve just made my day. Now, I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?”

The lawyer replied, “The pictures are of you with your secretary.”

Dinner Party “priceless”

All throughout dinner Lynne’s good friend’s four year old daughter stared at me as I sat opposite her. The girl could hardly eat her food for staring. I checked my shirt for spots, felt my face for food and patted my hair in place, but nothing stopped her from staring at me.

Finally I asked her, Why are you staring at me?

Everyone at the table had noticed her behavior and the table went quiet, waiting for her response. Finally, the little girl said, “I’m just waiting to see how you drink like a fish.”